Filed under: convictions
now i walk with you, Lord.
Filed under: convictions
God, i wonder how many last bet do i have?
It’s easy to think of a change, but it requires tremendous painful efforts, hard work and so much more to lead a change. It has been bothering me real badly for the past week, till yesterday and even now.
When we have the ability to control our emotions, we feel awesome because we know that we can be in control. But when emotions start crippling in, we feel trapped because it’s tentacles are entangling us real badly that we suffocate and raise up the white banner. I love my emotions for it gives me the ability to express and lift up others as well, but also allow me to know that I’m not alone when I’m in a state of agony. However, it’s only true if i can control it.
At the end of day, no one controls our emotions other than ourselves. We might think by sharing it helps, yes it helps us to pour out but still the other party is not able to control those raging emotions. Maybe, what we are seeking is more than just pouring but someone to identify or feel up our insecurity tank.
Emotions, I think i love you but I hate you when you try to take me as your slave.
hoe
Dichotomy maybe one of the common peculiar scuffle that a spirit led person might possibly encounter. As much as we wish to demise those areas that engulfed but they are the similar situations that pumped a sudden adrenaline which leads us to our own masochism.
Even though such masochism may allow us to be oblivious to the surrounding, but the spirit isn’t silent at all. The voice lingers and seeks to captivate the heart, but the outcome would still remain in a decision by us.
When that happens, all i can say is that we all have to practice self hegemony if not we will be no different from the rest. The spirit has done his part, but ours would be a great deal of self hegemony.
Sometimes, i do find my sinner sight of me rather irksome.
God, thank you for going through my day with me 
My heart is beating. What about yours?
Humans are both resistant and adaptable to changes. The motivation behind either respond simply lies if they ever see any worth in it.
Not everyone is born a leader, but they choose to be a leader. A leader doesn’t start with just a sudden urge rather an inspiration, vision or direction. Far more than that, the leader who sustains is someone who has personalized it for themselves. When one is called a leader, the notion would be they are self motivated to pursue their dreams and passion. So by this, there is a shift in personality if they were phlegmatic in the past. Hence, the personality changes with respect to the position expectation. But the truth is, who will choose to take on a new suit of personality unless they see the worth in it.
Young ones, dream. Internalized your vision, dreams and all for that will keep you focus till the end. But what will sustain you, is the fuel from within.
Filed under: convictions, events, illuminate, my endeavor, race, relationships
Traveling aboard is something that many youths would be delighted do if given the opportunity. Certainly, this is a general assumption but with strong validity from personal experiences and the proportion of youths traveling aboard with their peers. This is only true for such an era like this, which can be narrowed down to greater affluence. Such affluence gives people an opportunity to view the world beyond their borders. A different feel, smell, sight and most importantly experience. This would be one of the driving motivation for them to leave their borders. No doubt, they get what they see from the mass media but it’s only when they start to walk the ‘unglamorous areas, then will the view of traveling takes a turn. Honestly, such sights have the power to engage, deter or to be angry about. When people have the means to control, it might not necessary be the best. With power that comes with lack of discipline, will merely lead to self destruction.
My recent trip to Bangkok experience is a small fraction of what’s describe above. No doubt, my main motivation to Thailand was simply shopping. Hence, it was fulfilled till a state of euphoria after purchasing clothes, watches and so much more.The fun ended off with a slight pain that was worthwhile such as carrying many bags while heading back to the airport. Yet this doesn’t necessary means it was extremely joyful because when i consider what i saw on the streets while i was buying freely at those flee markets. To some, it’s entertainment but to me it was just a sense of discontentment for those kids that were performing with musical instruments, plays, juggling ball or even going around to collect money. Instead of building up the euphoria level while my spending was utopia, i questioned what have they done to deserve this? No doubt, their family circumstances has brought them to this state. Then i wonder, those stuff that i purchased were they also the same people that manufactured it? Yes, i learn about child labor when i was Secondary Four but now it’s at my sight. Though the young ones have accepted their current state of life and learn to be contented with, i still believe there is a slight slice of hope within them longing to live their lives freely. Our spending may bring us tremendous joy, but only their undeserved sweat.
Night market is certainly one of those that everyone tourist look forward too. Before i came to this unknown land, i’ve always heard Mothers do not like their Husband to travel to Thailand. For what particular reasons, i do not fully comprehend.However, it was only when we were at Patpong-(one of those few night market attractions) those reasons surfaced. Initially i was excited because of more shops but soon disgusted at what happened before our naked eyes. Just when i could be even more disgusted and make judgment about their jobs, i once again realized that they did not sign up for such jobs with anticipation but stifled opportunities led them to such state. I wonder when will they ever be tired of those fake smiles they are putting up. What is entertainment and pleasure to tourist is a loss of true self worth that they take on something that was not originally theirs. No doubt tourist ability to control their worth with cash is enough to compensate their dignity. So honestly, what’s there to lose? Yet, i still believe that this was not the life that they have dream of.
It’s only after we settled down at a pub that gave us a ‘clean impression’ then we were horrified. It was their country pride and maybe icon. They were listed for being the top 3. Goodness, young boys of no more than my age throw themselves to foreigners not because of their skin colour but the those papers with a value. Yes, outwardly all parties are enjoying. But tell me, does those boys really want such a job? To those buying them for hours, they are just like any toy. How do such boys feel? I just thought to myself, the ability to control can make a human to a dog. This is once again an assumption, but at least true for what i saw.
For all these services, your $40 bucks gives you great pleasure if you call it, but their rice bowl.
I have came to realize that such places are not meant for me to go alone for if i did, i wonder where will i be right now. I was only kept ’safe to a degree’ because of the company that went with me. I wonder, even if a man is strong willed but when he is placed in such vulnerable situations will he stand strong? I honestly doubt he can. Imagine, every step you take for the next few hundreds is filled with surrounding temptations. Still, i have come to comprehend that man’s will power alone is useless but only when we walk right with the spirit and the voice that lingers within just keep guiding us then we might overcome.
Still, what can a voice do unless tough love is shown to oneself.
This entire trip was certain enjoyable but it made me wonder about this world that i’m living in.
Broken and distorted lives that is covered up by fun.
God, give me the opportunity to work beyond this island and such a power that allows me to change this situation for your kingdom cause.
hoe
that all guys are born egoistic.
No matter how reserve will he be, there is a side of him competitive which varies from one to another.
or should i put it, humans are competitive?
Still, i would think that guys are wired to be determine, passionate and boundless of energy which could be channeled to what is eternal than those flings of temporal love.
Guys, where are your boundless energy going?
I clearly remember how nervous i felt when i had to approach you and invited you for service.
We were from different worlds, but i knew you needed a God thing to give you a meaning to your endless chase.
When you agreed, i was overjoyed and kept calling you and remind you that we will be meeting in somerset mrt at 2pm.
That wasn’t the worse. As the service program proceeded, my heart begun to beat faster as if there were spikes underneath the pink flesh. I wondered to myself why would you even cross the line of faith, but i still tried. I didn’t know how did God touch your heart, but you decided to take the step of faith to know this loving God. Honestly, i seriously felt a great sense of relieved and joy bursting within me.
The next day, we met under your shelter at Toa Payoh Blk 2 and i gave you encouragement card and shared with you ACTS. I seriously remember all these happened. The follow up was horrifying though it turned out well.
I will never forget that incident at Toa Payoh swimming pool. You were reluctant to go swimming with our care group because you feared to be topless. On your biceps it engraved with 4 Chinese characters. I was lost for words, because you were only 14. You had the tattoo when you were 12.
I saw how God’s power changed your life that it came to a point that Miss Tuan approached me and asked me to continue to bring people to church. You turned away from smoking, fights, and all those stuff that would harm your body.
I used to think to myself that when i take a bus down yishun, there will be many memories that will eject out of the brain. This point was proven otherwise, when i took a run down Toa Payoh today to visit your wake. I literally remember the places we were at for shepherding, care group (and even once i had to use to butcher knife to control the horrible care group with gangsters), under the shelter, your house and so much more.
However, all these memories lasted for merely months and you then turn your back against his love. Well, for those reasons that you explained. I still remember the last shepherding we had at the Lorong 8 market.
Ever since i left Beatty, i have never seen you for years. Until few days back, when i could only see your on papers.
Dearest Gerald Chia, i honestly wish i could turn back time and be even more persistent to ask you to remain in his love and not fall into the world. Yes, i thought to myself that i might have lost a friend, sheep, brother and all. But that’s not the worse.
Now i have lost you eternally.
You know what, i hope that during that few moments when you were crossing life to death you remember that there this God that loves you and run back to him. Now my only hope is that we shall meet in Heaven. You are really one person that meant a lot to me because God showed me what his love could do.
God, i finally understand better what does it mean people matter to you.
hoe
Filed under: convictions, friends, just my favourites, my endeavor, race, random thoughts
though we keep searching, but there was no common topic
though we tried, but we just can’t connect the chemistry
as hard as we pull through those minutes, there was this moment of awkwardness that lingers despite the endless navigating conversation.
as uncomfortable as it might seems, it was certainly treasured. It felt that we haven’t talk for years, and that is true. What left a imprint in my heart over the few minutes is that i know this friendship is built upon something that is eternal.
Thanks for taking the initiative to move out from your seat, and walked the short distance to have a short conversation.
This makes church friendship different from the rest, because through the years of silence because of physical limitations i know that the friendship will never be lost.
It seems like it was years, but the connection and warmth restored within seconds.
Thanks Samuel.
hoe
Ideal is a state of the mind which cannot be touched by our naked hands. However, the state would only become reality when we put our hands and hearts to it.
The bridge linking reality and ideal isn’t complicated. But the amount of toil, sweat, tears and everything else will be extremely taxing to the soul.
Maybe this is why, we are where we are.
The bridge is a test of your belief in whoever you place your faith in. Though i feel like breaking the bridge at times, but still i will fight on fervently because the one i place my faith in hasn’t given up hope. Hence, I’m not backing out.
But even as i fight on, continue to burn hope within me.
hoe
Filed under: convictions, family, friends, just my favourites, likings, my endeavor, race
As i aged, i guess time is something that seems to be of a greater value than i was younger than. In the past, time was equivalent to what shows i would and would not be catching. But that might not be exactly true for me now, time means relationship, money and authority.
Hence, sometime i do wonder to myself why am i still doing what i’m doing though what i am doing might not exactly have long term tangible results. Yet, when i see the photo above, they are my reason for doing all these.
It’s all about people and a God. But far more than that, a God that is all out for people.
I love this family of God. As mentioned before, i love north c simply because the people are completely not flawless. But so flawed, that at times i really feel like just walking away at that moment of anger. However, begin so flawed, we have a heart that God can reach and we turn away from sin. The best deal, we are transforming to become the person God has made us to be.
some more photos of the unit before my pro pic.
alright, i shall post e rest of the photos on the next post!:D
